Tired

I can’t help but hate myself lately. This hatred towards myself has been growing much stronger these past few months. Now, it’s even more intense. Whatever that I’m feeling now is so nerve-breaking. I don’t know who to share with and I doubt anyone can understand.

Sometimes I ask myself, “Am I too late for rebellion?” I see people around me begin to sort things out in their lives and lead a harmonious life with their love ones. And why is it that I only generate hate to mine and also to myself? What is wrong with me?

What is my true purpose living in this world? Why am I born only to make the ones that love me, hate me eventually? I feel as if my life is a hollow. Can anyone hear me? I’m suffocated by the negative-ness that I’ve drawn to my own self.

Just want you to know that it ain’t easy to be me. I put on a poker face for years just to shield the shame and sorrow. Everyone thinks that I am strong and capable of handling emotional and mental challenges. Yet, many fail to see the girl who crying for help and support when she was drowning in her own tears of sorrow. Perhaps it was all the tears that I’ve shed that taught me that no one will wipe away the tears except for God and yourself. For this, I became a loner, and would prefer to stay as such state for as long as possible.

“The Laser-Mouth Third Speaker”. That was the title I earned years ago and I am starting to hate it now. It is because of my big mouth I’ve hurt countless people around me. From friends to family, I know the blessing that I received from God has turned into disaster after I’ve misused it. I land myself in deep shit so many times, and I’m tired of it. Can I not do it anymore? I’m really tired, see?
Have been quite emotional these few days. Just wished that my dark-side twin will do no more damage to the already messed-up situation. I guess I’ll just have to wear my poker face yet another day to survive whatever that comes my way.

But somehow…

I’m really really REALLY tired of this shit!