Wrong for being Right

This morning, someone in my office teased me with this statement-

"Funny thing we still see you around in the office so often though you are about to leave here for good."

And I was like "What the fuck?"

What are you actually trying to mean with a statement like THAT?

Am I NOT suppose to be seen in the office despite this is my last week here?

So, you are suggesting that I should return to my cozy bed after thumb-ing in at 8am?

Holy crap!

I do admit that such 'act' is not unfamiliar but how come it's uttered by some senior staff?

What the heck is wrong? Sometimes I wonder...

Aren't you suppose to be proud that your subordinates come to work on time and stick their asses on the office chairs 8-5?

Shouldn't you be nagging at those MIAs?

Why the hell are you encouraging the wrongdoings and despise those who are sticking to the bright side?

I think the world SERIOUSLY needs a redefinition of what's black and white.

Crumbling

I think it's high time to change the name for my blog to-

ASYLUM FOR THE INSANE

Ok, fine! What I did was just add IN to SANE, but this will do its job- To update souls, especially MYSELF on MY current mental state.

Some sort of a sure feeling keeps striking me. A haunting, taunting echo of sound waves whisper eeriely in my ears...

I KNOW my mental state is slowly deteriorating...

The very sane part of my brains are slowing giving in to the lure of dark insanity...

Do I allow this to take place?

In a way, it's kinda difficult to answer this riddle.

Part of me has already fallen into the trap of madness; in fact, found assurance from the maddenning calls of insanse thoughts. Yet, there is also one tiny voice peeking from a slight shining pin-sized hole calling out to me...

I think THAT would be my sanity.

DO I answer to sanity's call?

I wish I could...

Who wants to feel the piercing pain of reality shit when you can be drunk in the cradle of insanity which is the only sanctuary that accepts you for who you are?

I am forcing myself to drown in this dark allure only because I am so lost in the light...

I can still see that beem of light, in a distance not too far,

but...

I wish I can wipe it out.

(FYI, I'm neither on drugs nor alcohol when writing this. Just plain dark sweetness of madness)

NEVER SAY NEVER TO A PERSON WHO NEVER SAYS NEVER

Incidents, one after another, have taught me well with this one lesson-

NEVER RELY ON MEN 'CAUSE EVENTUALLY THEY'LL JUST LET YOU DOWN

My interpretation of 'men' here is certainly no limited to the XY chromosomes merely. It applies to all mankind regardless gender.

I do not trust the words of men any more than I do that of blasphemies from a mad man.

Can I burn in flames of angst for the 10,000 promises they make? Do I even have the rights to have a slight twitch of disappointment in my heart after the great setback they bombard me with? Afterall, who am I to these people?

I experienced this so many times that I no longer feel any emotions when the words like 'No', 'Sorry', 'I can't...' came cutting like flesh-slashing frostbites. All I can do is just to strike a poker face and say 'It's ok.' (with a smiley)

Don't get me wrong. I'm NOT blaming ANYONE in this post. If there is, then the person would be me. Me, who is naive enough to trust the sweet words of men, sugar-coasted with icing frost and chocolate syrup only to give me cavities, obesity and diabetes at the end of the day.

I know that NO ONE needs to comply to my wishes and demands. But I AM TIRED LISTENING TO THE WORD 'NO'.

It's just another EMO me, having able to write crude things like above merely reflects the draining of energy, of positive Qi from my very sate of being.

That's why I'm surrounded by such negativeness that has been whirling inside me.

There's no way for me to unleash this whirlpool of emotions without hurting the people around me. I am too kind for such explosive outburst-method. Which is why this place IS my only escape. I never invite any souls to visit my blog but if you do, that is because YOU chose to do that YOURSELF, not by any means of force or rape.

Maybe some will hurt when they read this. I'm truthfully sorry for the damage I've caused and will cause. But come to think again, you too put a wholelotta pain on me when you uttered words of dejections.

There's always a price to pay when you come uninvited. Considered yourself warned!

Pending Decisions

There is a long list of reasons why I hate to include people in decision-making. Call me fussy, bossy whatever. I don't give a shit. I just hate it when my plans have to live on other's mercy.

I admit that I don't have patience for ANYTHING. If I want something to be done NOW, means NOW, not 'later la...', 'aiya, chill la...', 'wait la...'. Don't fucking ask me to chill when the procedure is URGENT, as in I want it ASAP?!!!

Very sorry to say that I am no teamplayer. I DO NOT compromise. I DO NOT take excuses (especially stupid ones). I DO NOT like to wait!!! Every second is precious to me. And because of one small decision that I had to wait for others to make will cost me a lot. I don't have so much free time like you guys. I don't take things easily like you do. My brain will NOT stop from working out solutions. And the fact that you keep me waiting for so long drains my energy and that's why I hate it!

I AM SELFISH! I want things to be done MY way and not yours! My matters are urgent to me and if they are not to you then why is it that I need to include you in MY decision-making? Why do I have to give in to you?

Sometimes I wish I can just tell straight to your faces and say FUCK OFF!

But I can't...and I really hate myself for being such a wussy!

Now, there's another one hour and 45 minutes to 5pm. You better come back with a decision that fits mine or you'll NOT be in MY plan tomorrow!

CHOOSE!

Me Sick ;(

Had a reeeeally sucky weekend ;(

Was down with fever, migraine, sore throat, cough, runny nose bla bla bla...

Spent almost 48 hours in bed trying to ease the nerve-shattering pain hammering in my head...

What a lousy way to spend the weekends. What a waste ;(

Pills the size of 50 cents coins became my subtle food during the wretched weekends...

~sigh~ even after choking on so many pills, the fever has yet to subside. The on and off rising temperature really kills my mood.

Oh, and there goes my voice. I wonder how long I have to bear with this husky nasal-like voice that sound so not me ;( When can I get my pretty voice back???

Thanks to the gooey mucus stuck in my nostrills, now I sound like some Russian spy sent to a tropical country for secret missions :(

And look! Today's Monday, yet I'm still stuck with this annoying flu.

When will it go away? I wonder...

ENOUGH!

"Don't worry. You will never witness this again once I head back to the university."

I wanted so badly, to throw these words straight to your face!

But I didn't...

What went wrong? I'm already in tears just trying so fucking hard to figure out the core of your irritation.

Who are you to control my life? Yes, you are my mum but I'm already 24 years old, for your information!

Can't I live up to the way I prefer to? Anyway, what's so wrong about my current lifestyle?

Do I do drugs?

Do you see me puffing cigarettes like no other people's business?

Am I shaking my head off with blasting music in pubs or clubs?

I don't even touch a single drop of liquor, don't I?

Have you witness me fucking with random guys? Married or otherwise?

Was I ever stupid enough to make myself pregnant and opt for abortion to uphold the family's dignity?

FUCK! I've never even held hands with ANY XY chromosomes!

So now YOU tell me how is it that my lifestyle irks you so much?

Just because I hang out with my GIRL friends in cafes like OLD TOWN twice a week without fail pisses you off I suppose?

WHAT THE FUCK?!!!

And what the hell you mean by I'm indecent when I visit the karaoke once a month?

For your information, singing karaoke in places like Dream Box is absolutely CLEAN physically, mentally and emotionally. It's nothing like those whore house karaoke clubs you see on Hong Kong dramas!

Perhaps it's high time to change that 'conservative' perspective of yours! Though I doubt you'll ever do so!

I'm earning my own cash LEGALLY and I'm not using a single cent of yours when I hang out with my friends.

So,

WHY DO I HAVE TO COMPLY WITH ALL THE RULES YOU SET?!!!

Do you think I not know my boundaries? Have I ever fallen into the trap of those crap activities that I personally felt disgusted by them?

I seriously think that you don't know me anymore! Like how I can't figure you out lately...

Feels like I'm trapped in those four walls with a sadistic stranger who never ceased to insult and pick fights with me.

Is it so hard for you to just say these three words- "I need you?"

Do you know I've been thinking about leaving home for good? 'Cause all the fights, crude remarks and angry faces we put on each day is stealing away the air I need to breathe.

It's suffocates to live in the same house with you.

Every morning I look forward to lock the gates behind me and stay away from anything that reminds me of you.

And when evening comes, I wish the pendulum can freezes time. I don't want to go back to hell just to see your fucked up face and listen to your endless nagging.

Do you realize I no longer share my daily working experience with you over dinner?

Because I know it's all bullshit to you.

You don't care if I'm mortally wounded by the ups and downs just as much as I don't want you to care!

There's no need, and certainly it's no necessity.

For you've stated clearly that your responsible as a mother is done and you no longer have the liability to take care of me.

You even want me to leave YOUR house!

Have you ever think about what if I REALLY leave? For good?

Will that make you a happier person? Will your life be more peaceful than that of now? You DO look forward to my leaving from your life, don't you?

If it's not, then how is it that you are able to utter such evil words that pierced the very core of my reason to existence?!

Perhaps everything would be in place if I was never born into this world, to you...

I know I have a fucked up attitude that pisses you off. But am I not allowed to feel pain and show my emotions on my face when you pour poison from your mouth on me? I'm not made from steel and stones you know?! Instead, flesh and blood! YOUR FLESH AND BLOOD! And you don't seem to possess any form of control over the scorching acidic words you sneered at me!

Don't try to shit me around saying that this is just part and parcel of life and I NEED all these bullshit to grow strong and be able to withstand challenges in life!

BLASPHEMY!

YOU- are the greatest challenge in my life and do you expect me to overcome you? A person who calls herself MY mother?

I'm being filial enough to stay by your side for so long. I don't runaway from home when you yell at me. I kept silent when you "discipline" me. I open my mouth to speak only when my limit is at the verge of bursting.

And you say I'm a bullshit.

Well, think again. You were the one who said that kids give parents a reason to live meaningfully regardless the mischief.

You think I want so badly to give you a reason to live?

Hah! I don't give a damn actually. In fact, I never wished for children at all!

You knew life WILL be difficult the moment you chose to keep me. Then why all the complains now?

Sometimes I just wish I could stir the angst in you enough to grab a knife and stab me in the chest.

That way, I can die in the hands of the person who brought me to life.

Not that I want you to live with the guilt and mourning.

It's just that I still can't find a better solution to this issue other than either of us leave. And if that day comes, I'll make sure it's me!

'Cause life is still meaningful to you and it is no longer at such to me.

At 24, I can't go out with my friends as I wish. I can't spend my hard-earned money on the things that I want. I can't get away from you. I haven't achieve anything BIG. I never knew what love is. I limit myself to only people that I like. I'm still not a perfect daughter to you etc etc etc...

Life deems no meaning to me, you see.

Really wanna put my life to an end if things do not progress the way YOU want. I'm tired of catching up with the pace you set to my life.

I CAN'T be the person you want me to be.

Sorry I turn out to be something so opposite to what you've expected of me.

Nothing can be done and if there's any, I will not compromise!

I'm old enough to be the person who I wanna be. And if you don't like it...I'm just dead speechless and will not say any shit.

You just have to accept who I am.

But don't you worry. This will not last long. I promise.

In one month's time, I'll be gone from your sight, not for good, yet. But will certainly give you space to be left alone in that house WITHOUT me. The way you preferred.

And I'll make sure I resist myself from casual visits during the weekends like how I used to. Even if I'm back, I would rather stay in a cheap motel or snuggle in the bed of an old girl friend than to return to the place you've chased me out from.

Rain Drops Keep Falling On My Head

I really hate the feeling of being dejected.

It makes me feel so small, as if I don't exist at all...and this hurts my pride...

It was not until yesterday that I really tasted how bitter helplessness is.

The nerve-chilling rain drops almost broke my skin as I stood outside your doorsteps.

No one answered the doorbell...

I called out your name, perhaps nine or ten times...

Still...no one answered...

I can only hear the eerie howlings of the wind.

The rain tasted bitter to my tongue...one moment I thought it was my own tears ;(

Now I know how pathetic it is being waiting outside someone's door under the pouring rain...

Seen that a lot on TVs, but never thought I will end up like this too...

And you are not even my lover :(

Up to Something SNEAKIE~~~

For the past one week, my life in the office had been SUPER boring.

This is what I do during my 8am-5pm working hours:- (forgive me if this irks you)

1. Switch on lappie
2. Sign in:-
Facebook
Twitter
Blog
3. Oh, and not forgetting- Youtube. Downloaded heaps of videos just to kill time
4. Watch Japanese Anime- NANA (occassionally)
5. Eat
6. To the loo~~~
7. Head back home

And the above lifestyle is being repeated again and again and again...

I know I should be giving praises of thanks to God for such priviledge bestowed upon me but...

I don't know...it's like I'm eating gaji buta plastering my ass on the office chair fixing my eyes on my laptop screen doing things which are CERTAINLY NOT stated and will never be in my job description :P

Can life be more sucky than this?

I mean it's great to be able to receive my paycheck on time each month despite all the crap I'm doing in the office. But isn't working life suppose to be full of ups and downs to at least keep me interested and entertained before I head back home facing those four walls again?

Sigh~~~

Nothing seems to be that of my expectation...

Hope I don't die like this =.=lll

Well, thank goodness one of my colleagues came up with a splendid idea to kill time and get entertained at the same time- Harry Potter at 12:30pm

And I was like- YEA! Let's do it babeh!!!

Really looking forward to this outing. At least I won't be stuck in this tiny place, exposing myself to radioactives emitted from the pcs and laptops all around me.

But this won't be THE way to solve all the boredom that will repeat itself tomorrow and the day after tomorrow...

Yiks!!!

Let's not talk about what will happen tomorrow shall we? Hmmm? :)