13th August 2009 Diary oh diary!

I am not into writing diaries. Maybe it is because of my hectic schedule and also the laziness inside of me who conquers the mood to jot down my thoughts for every single day. I will only write when I am force to; externally (e.g. assignments purposes, good wi-fi connection etc) and internally (e.g. joy, depression etc). Sometimes I will write down special moments in beautifully-decorated notebooks and also in my blog as a form of remembrance that I can recollect during my twilight years. I feel that keeping a diary or a journal is a good way of expressing feeling and emotions which are in times too over-whelming to be put into spoken words. There had been many times which I poured out my anger through writing and after a great deal of fingers tapping on the keyboard my anger had already subsided. I suppose writing had rationalized my muddied mind in the end! From time to time I read the previous moments which I have jotted down and how I laugh at myself for acting so silly at that point of my life. Writing journals and reading them after sometime helped me to realize that the problems that I faced aren’t that great after all and to think that I have made it through the rain gives me hopes to strive for the best. Writing journals is the evidence of my growth intellectually, spiritually and mentally. Like how my own ‘collection of special events in my life’ inspires me to move on with live, I believe diaries of other people especially those who have succeed in their lives will be a very good source of reading material to teach and at the same time motivate our students

11th August 2009 I want my own autobiography!

There are normal people who led a great life and inspired many generations. Nelson Mandela was one of them and he will always be known as the true fighter against the Apartheid System in South Africa. His life-time long of rebelling against the system truly inspires the rise of many freedom fighters around the world. And I am grateful that Mandela’s life has been engraved into an autobiography that his legacy lives whenever a person reads his autobiography. I believe there are many other autobiographies about other great personality that can be used as good reading materials to be introduced into the literature classrooms. The lives of these great people might somewhat inspire our students and we hope that they can grow up with positive attitudes so as to succeed in life and leave their legacy to the next generation! (Oh yea, besides, my ego tells me that I should write my own autobiography! It just feels so good to know that all the hardships, struggles and pains that lead to your success are printed into books that will inspire many lives. You’ll be a living legend, and I want to leave my legacy to my students too!)

Where do I find peace?

I really need someone to talk to. Who can hear me now? Here I sit in my room with my back facing my roommate, but I don’t want her to hear me cry. Why am I doing this to myself? Come to think of it I am actually throwing myself into the flames of shame and now I am drowning in the shame of my own wrong-doing. I curse myself for ending up in such a mess; curse my right hand that chose the wretched decision that caused all the humiliation; curse my own damn mouth for lying the shit out of myself. And now, when no one stands for me, I feel lost and helpless. Lost, in the seas of silly idiotic ways I behave; helpless, for having to stand on my own bare feet.

How I wish I could just vanish from this earth this moment than to bear the unbearable shame and guilt upon my shoulders. How do I face my peers tomorrow when they found out that I am the black sheep who tarnish our already tarnished name? Where do I hide when people start looking at me with skeptical eyes? Am I allowed to exist or should I just die rather than suffer the aftermath of my silliness?

Can I call him tonight? Call him when I am at the deepest point of my life. Call him when I have greater shame to bear than to bear the same of calling him up myself? Why do I hesitate? My fingers trembled by the thoughts of dialing his phone number I knew so well; I feel a cold chill down my spine with mere thoughts of his voice embracing my sensitive ears through the phone receiver. I place down the phone, knowing that I will never have the guts to ever call him again like how I used to, for I fear his words will add to the miseries I endure right now. Or will I be more troubled if he does not even bother to pick up the phone…

Here I stare straight into my laptop with quick fingers tapping on the keyboard forming words, feelings and expressions that could not be spoken. I find a sense of security in you, knowing that you will always accept what I have to say; knowing that you will never betray me; knowing that you will always remain silent to the secrets I share with thee. Yet when I have to part with you after a long day’s work, I am alone again, feeling the nothingness that engulfs me like quick sand.

Where do I find peace?

6th August 2009 Black or white, does it matter?

The texts selected for today’s tutorial sessions are famous works which expresses feelings of the minority groups, or better known as the Marginalized work. We looked into some interesting poems by Langston Hughes and my personal favorite-of-the-day should be Cross as it perceives inter-marriage in a more skeptical manner instead of glorifying inter-marriage especially to the whites. Many of the works try to draw our attention towards the hardships, prejudice and troubles minority groups (i.e. African Americans, Native Americans, Torres Straits Islanders) face yesterday and even up to today. It is really sad to know that there are people out there who think themselves as more superior than the others and they try to ‘colonize’ the so-called ‘minor’ or ‘weaker’ ones physically and also mentally. To know that these colonizers go up to the extend of separating children of the minority groups from their family members to ‘civilize’ them is so sick that it is too much for me to bear. How lucky we are because though we too were once colonized but our people did not suffer from such deprive! As we are celebrating our 52nd Independence Day this end of the month, there are a few questions I would like to address to my fellow Malaysian friends out there. What does the Independence Day means to you? Can we proclaim ‘MERDEKA’ proudly or do we still allow ourselves to glorify the ‘grandeur’ of the colonizers? The Prime Minister launched the 1 Malaysia program recently, so what is the significance of this program? Why do we discriminate ourselves according to ethnicity when the purpose of calling ourselves a Malaysian is a way to portray unity? Is our race that important? So what if I am a Chinese, Indian, Malay or minor ethnics from Borneo? Does the difference in the tone of our skin color make us different from one another in terms of nationality? It really irks me when people call me ah moi and I do not think that the Malay girls would like to have themselves called minah, neither do the Indian girls favor the term minachi! We are Malaysians today thanks to the hard work of our leaders from the yesterdays and we should brace this privilege with all our hearts because this is who we are! This is our identity! The time when all of us can shed aside discrimination, brush away grudges we hold upon our brothers of different skin color, religion and beliefs, and cherish the many differences that made us unique; that will be the time we achieve 1 Malaysia; that will be the day we gain true independence! Salam Merdeka!

28th July 2009 H1N1 Outbreak (Run! Run for your lives!!!)

Sad enough, we had to cancel today’s lecture because of that damned H1N1 virus! Gosh, I don’t want to have replacement classes and I don’t want to have my holidays pushed forward two weeks earlier than scheduled! My mind completely returned to the long-semester-break mode and I have lost all intention, motivation and momentum to study, what more completing assignments! Arghhh!!! But sure it was interesting to see people packing their bags and leaving UPM as if the doors of hell just broke loose! Hah, you should see them squashing themselves into the Commuter bus like a school of sardines! It’s prison break, all monkeys break away the chains and gain freedom (only one week of freedom though! Smirk) Adieu~