HUH?

Why is it that some individuals can easily point their accusing fingers at others sans thorough investigation?

I hate those eyes glazed with suspicion. EVIL!

Can you be more irritating than THIS?

Don't make me look so fucking stupid as if I don't know what's going about in this work place!

I mean c'mon please la...Would I not be aware if my students are having their finals today? Can't you take the efforts to check in the intranet whether I am teaching that what? Methodology course?

Hell!!!

I just came back from lunch and there and then you came 'bugging' me like an annoying housefly!

Hello! I'm NOT teaching that course and that kid who didn't came for his/her exam is not MY student!

Why is it me that first came to your mind? Am I THAT irresponsible?

And please la people, THINK before you say anything. A slight misinformation will cause havoc, don't you see?

People just don't learn don't they? :(

@#$%&*?!

I've been using so much vulgar words within these few days more than I am supposed to in my entire lifetime :P

Then again, is there (by chance) any other simpler way to express anger?

If there is, please show me!

'Cause seriously I am kinda out of 'curse words' if ever the situation exacerbates!!!

Kinda sad how things turn into the way they are now (in a bad way...)

I don't mean to 'toxify' the image of a fair lady I am supposed to be... Not that I want to be one anyway :P

But sometimes, people just tick you off and BAMB!!! There goes the strings and strings of never ending swears and curses~~~

However, I still think my situation is mild, in fact, VERY mild.

Til now, no one has actually died from my anger. Suffer, maybe but DEFINITELY no casualties yet!

I guess I'm quite good in sheilding my fury under the poker face mask. Except for the swearing of course.

Someone almost killed me when they said that I don't look pissed enough to use 'certain' swear words (not qualified, hah!) 'cause I was still smiling whilst cursing like fireworks on Fourth of July.

These people will be the death of me!!!

Can't you see if I really unleash the fury beast inside me, all living things will DIE mercilessly!

Well, people, I still very much wanna go to heaven for your information. So, I will NOT stain my hands with innocent blood!

My anger is my own. I know how to control it and need not need any individuals to comment how well of sucky my poker face is.

Who cares anyway right?

Can't Wait ^^

Obviously despite all the gloomy black aura you see lingering around me these few weeks, I am sure hell happy for this one thing-

~I'm off to further my MA Sc TESL in January 2011~

A handful of people were kinda skeptical for the fact that a girl is furthering her studies, DITCHing her againg mum ALONE, RUNNING AWAY from financial responsibilities bla bla bla...

Well, I just have two words for people like that-

FUCK YOU!

Can't you see I am off to build a better future, as in FINANCIALLY better for both mum and me?

And years ago stereotypical statements like these 'crossed' my path and had me fuming in fire of angst until this very day!

"What's the use of girls furthering their studies? Just act pretty and get married!"

"No guys like girls who are smarter than them."

Well, I think I need to say this with actions in order to make a statement here-

FUCK YOU (with two middle fingers displayed)

If you can't overcome this inferior complex, then you are in the wrong century. I would suggest that you book a flight (if it ever exists) and travel back to the ice age if you shamefully fail to control your urge to dominate women!

p/s This article is purely fiction. Does not concern the dead, the living or the will-be-borns :P

I AM HAPPY FOR WHAT I'VE ACHIEVED YESTERDAY, WHAT I'M ACHIEVING NOW, AND WHAT I'LL ACHIEVE IN THE FUTURE!

I Know I've Been Frickin' Moody Lately =.=lll

I know I shouldn't be saying this but...

Life's kinda wearing me out, especially these few weeks.

Often left me wondering if I can survive the next day, or even worst, the rest of today T.T

Why is it that life's so demanding towards a creature who wants nothing but a simple, quiet life?

Lately, my eyelids are so heavy I struggle to stay awake...

Not that I am sleepy.

Should just say I am physically, mentally and emotionally drained.

Sounds like bullshit to any 24 year olds out there, I suppose??

Young adults marks the beginning of their lives perhaps from the moment they get their first paycheck:-

financial stability = zero dependance on parents = buy own stuff = FREEDOM!!!

Now, can anyone please explain to me why I don't feel so?

Why is it that each day I feel more burden being placed on these frail shoulders? Not that I wanna run away from all the financial responsibilities. Neither am I escaping the duties to take care of my aging mum...

There's this unexplanable feeling of...I don't know...perhaps the best description is-

I AM FRICKKIN' TIRED OF LIFE~~~

I just don't know why I feel this way...

Oh, oh, perhaps I DO know what went wrong! And all of which starts with an 'If only mum':-

1. If only mum stops acting grumpy and naggy

2. If only mum place more faith in me

3. If only mum didn't call me a bullshit the other day

4. If only mum didn't question why am I still staying at her house

5. If only mum didn't utter those heart-piercing words during fights

6. If only mum realize I did pay for house expenses too

7. If only mum understand why I keep silent everytime we fight

8. If only mum listen more

9. If only mum learn how to stop worrying over microscopic matters

10. If only mum chose not to bring me to this world...

I know I'm being crude to just pin point my fucking finger at my mum for this shit I'm feeling but YES, I AM moody because of her.

God forgive me for writing this. I have to write, need to , MUST. Because no one understands this feeling more than I do. No one will emphatize, they'll just shot sympathetic glances which my pride cannot stand.

So, please 'legalize' this post so I can retrieve some sanity before I do something stupid to myself.

Haiz...Tak Jadi Pulak! =.=lll

I so looked forward to today- 18th November 2010.

"Anything big this day?" I hear you asked.

Sure hell yea~ If tossing my resignation letter counts!

All the shit lately stressed me up so much I just can't wait to brush off all the dirt and getta hell out of this place!

Plus, my Masters program is actually summoning me~~~ "Come to UPM now~~~"

You would never have guessed how much courage I need to gather before breaking this news to the ever 'concern' colleagues of mine =.=

I thought the process of handing in the letter would be a smooth one...

Sadly, it was not...

No one was available to verify my letter. Worst, I can actually hear whispers of gossipping among 'those' people about my leaving from this place even when I'm blasting off my eardrums with Adam Lambert's screeching screamings!!!

Hey, isn't quitting the job MY concern?!!! Who need yours?!!!

Yet, I have to put tis plan on hold until tomorrow...

Another day of gruelling anticipation...

Killing me cells!

If Only...Killing Is Legal

If killing is legal, where would be a scoll measuring a couple of kilometers long, inprinted with names of shitty people that I will and WANT to take my own sweet time torturing and slaughtering for my own satisfaction!

But there is this one particular organization that I sure hell will do anything to have them dead before night falls tonight.

I'll make sure none of them witness daylight ever again!

Curse them to damnation for this feeling of unbearable fear they have inflicted upon me.

Why should I be blamed for the shit you've guys done?

Damnit!

The internet is not a safe place to spill the exquisite details of the who-s, the why-s and the how-s this particular bunch of fuckers' been a pain in my ass for the past few months. So, sorry for leaving whoever's reading this blog with question marks dancing round their heads.

If you care to know, just speak to me in person...

But I doubt anyone will...

If killing is legal, I will not be here now typing away my angst!

If only...

Tired...Of Life

Lately I've been so bothered.

So bothered that I feel that life's not worth living for another person!

Why is it that my sacrifices are always left unknown, unappreciated, even unwanted, at times?

Why is it that my life needs to be 'dictated' by someone else when it's supposed to be me?

And when shit happens, everyone shoves the blame to me!

I mean WHAT THE FUCK?

Why must you navigate all the decisions I want to make and strip me from all the damn rights I'm supposed to have?

Who gave you the fucking rights to make my life yours?

Whoelse will understand my situation? My feelings? My silent suffering?!!

HELL!!!

No one!

Am I meant to stay this way forever?

I'm just plain tired of my life right now!

How nice if I'm able to go through the metamorphosis cycle- having able to experience life with a different perspective in different stages...

Then...

Leave this agonizing, devastating and ever-so-disappointing land called Earth

with wings of a butterfly...

I do wish that life is short, right now...

BRRRRRRRRRRRRR~~~

Today's such a cold day.

In fact these few days, the weather is failing those who look forward to a glimps of sunshine...

It's so cold my fingers are turning blue, fingernails white, lips purple...

BRRRRRRRR~~~

My bones are aching into some kind of numbness that slows my typing speed.

Pathetic.

However, the physical coldness I feel can never be more destructive than that of the awkward coldness among mankind.

What would be the 'coldest' sh*t men can inflict upon each other?

1. Baby Dumping- Perhaps the most animalistic behavior ever displayed. Abortion is bad enough, but leaving newborns on doorsteps is no trend people!

2. Murder and Violence- It irks just to squash a millipede dead, so now tell me how can men take the lives of their own kind, even their own kids and spouse? F*cking madness! Must be DAMN heartless to commit such act, regardless the motive, intention, instruments and methods applied!!!

3. Divorce- All the 'I love you's , 'happily ever after's and 'till death do us apart's turn to ashes when two people, who once vowed in the name of love now claim that they no longer love each other. Do the separation (be it mutual or exclusive) prior to marriage! Do it not if children come into the picture. You can never emphatize the pain these chldren go through result of their parents' divorce.

4. Cheating against Spouse- Like what Adam Lambert said in his Glam Nation Tour, "No matter how much money, fame and sex you have, it doesn't mean anything unless it is connected with L.O.V.E". But that does not allow one to practice poligamy prior or after marriage! If you can't control the over-abundant 'agape' love of yours, then you might as well stay single and flirt all you want with no strings attached! Better still, don't love and go hurting others!

5. Lies- Be it 'Black' or 'White', lies are still lies. Lies are like personified viruses (virus with human personalities) in the TV series 'Fringe', they drill every nook and cranny just to expose themselves! In the end of the day, all the sh*t will come back to you and that's the colddess moment you'll ever feel because you have betrayed everyone's trust and no one will no longer pay any attention to you.

If I go on writing about all the cold sh*t among human, I can publish an autobiography with respect to all the sh*tty people who does cold sh*tty things! Good lord, it'll be the thickest book ever printed in human's history!

I guess I better stop now. Its nerve-shattering cold in this office and more revelation of cold heartless human acts will not help ease the situation here.

Now what I need is a cup of hot cocoa, a day bed with goose-feathered comforter and a hot, sexy rockstar lover to serenade me...

"If I Can Make A Change To This World That I'm Livin' In, I Would Be Some President For Some Country By Now!"

My job as a lecturer for my kids is about to end in 2 weeks, or perhaps 3 weeks time...

I should sigh in relieve~

Am I not?

Not exactly true...

Actually I'm kinda worried on behalf of my kids. (Sorry, I still refer my students as kids though our age gaps are just mere 2 / 3 years apart from each other XD)

I can't help but fear that my kids will flung in their finals.

Not that I didn't do a good job teaching and guiding them. My conscious are in fact very clear.

The core of all the fear that I am experiencing now originates from this particularly silly decision of mine to teach newly offered courses sans course notes, sans textbooks, sans guidelines.

Think of me a fool, a simple-minded, single-cell creature. (Yes, I do felt that every single second ever since I agreed upon such deceiving offer.)

Despite the lousy feeling as if I'm a tiny yacht sailing, no, even worse, drifting with absolutely no direction in the vast ocean; I've given my all for the sake of my kids. From notes to tutorial activities, assignments to quiz questions; all of those were drafted from scratch.

Not that I am taking pride on those things. No! In reality, it was a very risky move that I've taken to secure the on-going of every lesson that was bestowed upon me.

Authorities pointed their accusing fingers to me. Placing all the sins of their lack of efficiency on my frail shoulders. I would love to have created a Tamil scene with those people. If I want to. If I was able to...

But come to think again, who am I to complain? Life was never fair, is never fair and will never be fair. It will stay as a fact for a long long time and I've learned this lesson from the very early stages of my life. We'll just have to learn how to give and take, or so they say. But what if I have given so much yet received nothing in return? Damn the birocracy and red tape!

Or perhaps I should have defy gravity and make a change to this 'not so conducive' environment. Yet, again, who will listen?

"If I can make a change to this world that I'm livin' in, I would be some president for some country by now!"

But am I someone that people will take me seriously? I doubt it :(

Or so they say, 'You're just a kid. Do what you're suppose to do- SHUT UP!'

Tired

I can’t help but hate myself lately. This hatred towards myself has been growing much stronger these past few months. Now, it’s even more intense. Whatever that I’m feeling now is so nerve-breaking. I don’t know who to share with and I doubt anyone can understand.

Sometimes I ask myself, “Am I too late for rebellion?” I see people around me begin to sort things out in their lives and lead a harmonious life with their love ones. And why is it that I only generate hate to mine and also to myself? What is wrong with me?

What is my true purpose living in this world? Why am I born only to make the ones that love me, hate me eventually? I feel as if my life is a hollow. Can anyone hear me? I’m suffocated by the negative-ness that I’ve drawn to my own self.

Just want you to know that it ain’t easy to be me. I put on a poker face for years just to shield the shame and sorrow. Everyone thinks that I am strong and capable of handling emotional and mental challenges. Yet, many fail to see the girl who crying for help and support when she was drowning in her own tears of sorrow. Perhaps it was all the tears that I’ve shed that taught me that no one will wipe away the tears except for God and yourself. For this, I became a loner, and would prefer to stay as such state for as long as possible.

“The Laser-Mouth Third Speaker”. That was the title I earned years ago and I am starting to hate it now. It is because of my big mouth I’ve hurt countless people around me. From friends to family, I know the blessing that I received from God has turned into disaster after I’ve misused it. I land myself in deep shit so many times, and I’m tired of it. Can I not do it anymore? I’m really tired, see?
Have been quite emotional these few days. Just wished that my dark-side twin will do no more damage to the already messed-up situation. I guess I’ll just have to wear my poker face yet another day to survive whatever that comes my way.

But somehow…

I’m really really REALLY tired of this shit!

7 Reasons Why No One Reads My Blog

Suddenly this issue strucks me-

Why the hell am I posting blogs when no one bothers to read?

Kinda funny huh?

Well, I guess I've only got myself to blame.

Let me list my social networking flaws-

1. Scare number of friends to begin with ;(

2. Attitute that irks most human beings

3. No intentions to maintain a friendship unless significant (which explains why I only call a handful of friends- F.R.I.E.N.D)

4. Gets tired in a friendship easily unless that person is a package full of fun

5. Prefers to be alone (at all times) Too much of human contact will lead to the next flaw...

6. Easily ticked off

7. Low tolerance on people who call themselves 'my friend' just to poke their noses into my business (like I've said, I prefer to be left alone...at all times, if possible)

They say the number '7' is the perfect number. Deductively, the above are my 7 perfect flaws that I would never consider improving for anyone under any circumstances.

Because at the end of the day, this blog is a place I've created by myself; for myself ONLY!

Use, Recycle And Reused- That's Their Definition Of Friendship

Ever felt like you're being used by your own friends?

The feeling is just plain lousy. In fact, frustrating at times.

They plan events behind your back, never involved you in any of their discussions and when they approached you, it's just because they need you as their chauffer.

What am I to you guys? I often wonder beyond yonder...

Am I that insignificant that you feel that there's no need to consider me in your damned lives?

Or is it that I'm always too available to say 'YES' to every wish you asked of me.

Well, guess what? FUCK that!

Just because I didn't show doesn't mean that I don't have any feelings.

If you think you can continue to manipulate the so-called friendship I bestowed upon us, then FUCK that again!

Because from THIS day onwards,

I'll learn to be the selfish person you taught me to be!

Go FUCK yourselves!

Obsessions

What it is like to feel the intense obsession towards something or someone? ^^

Recollecting the memories, my first ever obsession should be this movie-



Yea, Titanic :) Never got the chance to watch it in the cinemas though ~sigh~, but there is a huge collection of merchandises stashed in the deepest corner of my cupboard. From stationary to the OST, you just name it! Even got my hands on some really cool Titanic poscards ^^ Imagine I was only at Primary 5 that time!!!

Then, Soo Yin came into my life and I got my very first taste of Japanese manga and animations :) I definately have to pay tribute to this particular manga-



Thanks to Slam Dunk I came to love basketball. But thanks to basketball, I sprained my left ankle and was told that I can never play the game again :(

When I was in Form 4, that was the age of RPG game!!! Was left to stare in awe when this particular game came to shore-



It was because of this game I persuaded my mum to buy me my first desktop :D breath-taking graphics, superb gaming experience, the trigger to the full usage of my creative right brain^^ Today, I'm still an avid fan of FF franchise.

Another good friend came by- Wendy. Don;t get me wrong! I'm not obsessed with Wendy, just obsessed with our friendship *wink* Wendy=The Sims- the most mind-blowing and creativity-straining game ever created and introduced into MY universe^^



I can spend 25 hours playing The Sims if ever God created 25 hours a day! I swear I will never get tired of this bloody game ^^ Now, that's what i call OBSESSION!

During my uni years, no guys saw me as a girl when I told them I watch this-



Skipped meals to buy the original DVDs! Induced insomnia on myself after watching too much of the anime :P Guessed it's from the radioactivity from my lappie...

Persuaded so many people to 'worship' this anime :P Am I guilty? I guess not, 'cause sharing is loving (according to my student^^) hehe...

Somehow in the mist of chasing after this never-ending anime got me bored, DAMN bored. So guys, no more Bleach for me...

Bleach was not the anime that stole tears. This did!



Obsessed with the surreal way Ai Yazawa narrate the story. Loved the sound track too! If ever I find myself a rockstar lover, it would have been someone like Ren Honjo. Sweet, sexy, yummy all in one package ^U^ PLUS, he plays both the electirc guitar and bass too ^^ dream lover :P

The obsessions of later chapters of my recent life (hehehe...) was all about Rock & Roll and Vampirism!

Larc~en~ciel @ Laraku- the best combination of both elements above^^ Hyde-san had me drooling all over him even though he is almost 40! Hottest Asian man alive! Love the way he and Ken (Vamprose) combine Rock and Vampirism into one! Just plain hot SH*T!!!





However, this is one 'sissified' vampire that gave the vampire kingdom a bad name-



Enough talking about the past. Lets talk about now! What's my current obession? Well, it's this-


Yup, people. It's Adam Lambert and his band ^V^

Actually, I'm more obsessed with this pretty boy- Tommy Joe Ratliff ~sweet~





psk..don't you think he kinda look like Nobu from Nana?!

And it's a definate thumbs up for the 'queer' relationship Adam and Tommy share



~awww~ Aren't they sweet?

If Only Fairytales Come True

If the evening star's power is so true, I would be gazing upon the galaxy now...

I shall entwine my fingers with a sure pressure and wish...

Wish upon the brightest evening star like princesses in Disney fairytales do...

Wish for this one thing that stirs the deepest desires from the depths of my heart...

The agonizing thirst and unendurable hunger for it grows stronger and more intense each day...

My dream~~~



SAMSUNG GALAXY 5 (now you know why I'm gazing the galaxy, huh? \^V^/)

I'm Sorry. Blame Me & I Promise Not To Fight Back

God, please help me. I’ve made a grave mistake yet again. And I’m really afraid now. God, you know how I feel and you know how guilty I am. Like what mum said, I am carrying tales about the happenings in my office. God, I need you! Lord I pray to you Lord. Please help me to rectify this mistake. Father in heaven, I know I am weak and I make stupid mistakes that will only bring damage to myself at the end of the day. Lord, I am trembling with fear now. Please help me Lord. I cry out to you Jesus please save me! Lord, please don’t abandon me Lord. I really need your mercy and grace now. I ‘m sorry for spilling out the remarks my head of department made about Su-Ynn. Lord, I know I have sinned against you for telling lies. Lord, please forgive me. Even if mum does not accept my apologies, I really need you Lord Jesus to forgive me. Lord, help me to repent. I’ve sinned. A lot of times in these few months and I drew myself apart from you Lord. Please forgive me Lord. Help me this time. I am deeply sorry for the damage that I have inflicted upon Su-Ynn and my head of department. I have caused them to hate each other and I know Lord, you will punish me someday in my afterlife for this sin that I have committed. Lord, I ask of your forgiveness. And Father, please help Su-Ynn too. With your grace and salvation Lord, help her to forgive my head of department and Lord, please ease her anger. I know I will be accused as the culprit for their already messed up relationship as colleagues, Lord please melt away the anger and hatred that was there before and after my tale-telling. Lord, please forgive me and please help me to overcome this issue. I believe in you Lord Jesus, upon your mighty power and I want to have faith in you again Lord. I want to trust you again! I want to be close to you again Lord, so that you will keep me away from sin and guide me walk on the right path you have already prepared for me. Lord, I did not mean to disrupt the harmony in my work place. But I know, like what mum will say in the next minute, the stupid remarks I’ve made during the so-called ‘heroic attempt’ will land me in trouble. Lord, see, mum has already start pointing out to me all the wrong things that I have done just now. Lord, I do not, and will not argue or feel angry towards her reaction. Because I know I am in the wrong at the very first place. Jesus, please help me control my big mouth. Please shut it off if you think it’s the better way to solve future matters that might arise from this weakness of mine. Lord, I will willingly go through all the tests you’ve paved for me. Lord, please help me to control my anger. NOW! Because I am on the verge of exploding or say something stupid again that will hurt mum for her endless nagging. Lord, please help me! I really need you now Lord. Please help me. Yes, whatever I did was bad, real bad and I can’t feel anything but ashamed, no, angry with myself now. Please Lord, help me….I know I have sinned against you. Please Lord, help me to control my anger. Please please please! Lord, I am wrong. I know. Please help me! Lord, I really have no idea what lies ahead tomorrow. But I want to believe that Lord Jesus, you will be with me come what may. Lord, I trust in you Lord. I want to repent and Lord, please give me another chance to do so Jesus. If matters get worse in the following days of my working life in that institution, Lord, please be with and help me brace myself with your strength and wisdom for whatever storm that stirs the peace in my office. Lord Jesus, I know I have sinned. Please forgive me and help me to make myself a better person, not for me, not for mum, not for anyone else, only for you Lord. Father, I pray to you and I know you listen to prayers, and you answer them. I trust you because you have chosen me to be part of your salvation from the very beginning. And Lord I humble myself and pray to you Lord for forgiveness and also guidance in my life. For every step I take, every word I say, every single way I behave, Lord, guide me first. Holy Spirit, I invite you to speak to me again just like how you used to speak so intimately to me before I sinned again. Father, you know all my problems even before I uttered a single word. Almighty God, I have faith in you, believe in you and trust in you to deliver me from this mess that I have caused. Lord I pray with all my heart and soul and in Jesus most powerful name. Amen!