Where do I find peace?

I really need someone to talk to. Who can hear me now? Here I sit in my room with my back facing my roommate, but I don’t want her to hear me cry. Why am I doing this to myself? Come to think of it I am actually throwing myself into the flames of shame and now I am drowning in the shame of my own wrong-doing. I curse myself for ending up in such a mess; curse my right hand that chose the wretched decision that caused all the humiliation; curse my own damn mouth for lying the shit out of myself. And now, when no one stands for me, I feel lost and helpless. Lost, in the seas of silly idiotic ways I behave; helpless, for having to stand on my own bare feet.

How I wish I could just vanish from this earth this moment than to bear the unbearable shame and guilt upon my shoulders. How do I face my peers tomorrow when they found out that I am the black sheep who tarnish our already tarnished name? Where do I hide when people start looking at me with skeptical eyes? Am I allowed to exist or should I just die rather than suffer the aftermath of my silliness?

Can I call him tonight? Call him when I am at the deepest point of my life. Call him when I have greater shame to bear than to bear the same of calling him up myself? Why do I hesitate? My fingers trembled by the thoughts of dialing his phone number I knew so well; I feel a cold chill down my spine with mere thoughts of his voice embracing my sensitive ears through the phone receiver. I place down the phone, knowing that I will never have the guts to ever call him again like how I used to, for I fear his words will add to the miseries I endure right now. Or will I be more troubled if he does not even bother to pick up the phone…

Here I stare straight into my laptop with quick fingers tapping on the keyboard forming words, feelings and expressions that could not be spoken. I find a sense of security in you, knowing that you will always accept what I have to say; knowing that you will never betray me; knowing that you will always remain silent to the secrets I share with thee. Yet when I have to part with you after a long day’s work, I am alone again, feeling the nothingness that engulfs me like quick sand.

Where do I find peace?