To that Selfish Son of a Female Canine

am i really thaaaat bad when it comes to saying 'no'?

do i sound like i'm joking when i told you that i cannot carry the burden you plan to weigh on my shoulders?

why is it that you can easily come to accept someone else's refusal but not mine?

i mean where the fuck you got the impression that i'll agree to whatever you say?

and fuck you for having the fucking nerves to make the decision without my consent!

it's pathetically ironic when you go through all the fucking formalities, put on that fucking mask of yours and act so faking-ly polite to others.

but when it comes to me all you've shown was sheer injustice!

c'mon! be a man and for fuck sake listen to my side of the story!

it's so easy for you to say the job is manageable! you;re leaving anyway, what accountabilities do you have?

but what about me?

you claimed that there will be others who can guide and help me along the way...

oh please!

like 'hellyea' those people will come to my aid when i scream for help.

more likely i'll end up doing other people's shit instead! like how it always turn out to be...

it's so sickening when you say i can QUIT when things get too overwhelming.

FUCK!

since you have so little faith in me from the beginning why not strip my from that fucking list of yours at the first place?

and fuck whatever confidence you have in me because i know i cannot do it!

i know my own limits and i have a fucking valid reason to reject the post.

but did you fucking care?

yup you do actually...only for yourself!

i know you've taught me many things for the past few months but that doesn't mean that i'm suitable for this task.

you've got the wrong girl pal!

the next time you fucking wanna decide on something, make sure you understand the problems others might face instead of leaving them drowning in tears for that selfish plot of yours. fuck off!

Loneliness Knows Me by Name

He comes visiting once in awhile
Stopping by just to say 'hi' somehow...
it's comforting to know at least He cares
Just when i think i'm all alone
'Ah! He's right there'!
No need for friends who always need to fly
nor men who act just like some random guy
He's faithful
He's steadfast
He's one of a kind
He's Mr Loneliness
and he will always be mine...
Whenever i cry myself to sleep at night
I feel a gentle embrace warming those cold shoulders
"Let it all out. It's gonna be alright."
No one's more real than he is
He wipes away those empty tears
and has always been my best buddy
When no one seems to care at all
Whenever i feel small
He engulfs me with his wondrous arms
and there i sink into his dark charms
i'm lost within his touch
so soon to get used to the sanctuary he offers
i rather drown in the depths of loneliness
than to face just yet another disappointing empty promises
Dear Mr Loneliness...
would you marry me someday?

Hurt Part 2

i made a vow to myself never to allow my pride to be bruised again.

instead of learning from my past mistakes, i've decided to risk my all for another time in hopes that this time will be different...

i PRAYED that this time things would work out.

guessed i've place too much hopes and expectations on us...

and in this game of love once again costs my heart to shatter into a million unrecognizable pieces.

so many times i've been disappointed-

yet this heart has never been able to accustom to the pain of rejection.

the familiar agonizing spasms within my chest...

heavy poundings in my head

hands that turn stone cold...

i know that i'm hurt again.

why do you have such great effect on me?

why do i even feel you when you don't even care to look my way?

why did you take away my ability to smile?

why part of me dies when you've decided to walk out of my life?

the worst part is you don't even know this heart beats for you.

you know i'm not okay.

but how do i explain to you the reason for my solitary suffering is all because of you?

i'm not angry because you've found another.

i'm just frustrated with the fact that i can't stop myself from falling into you.

sorry for giving you cold shoulders but i just can't stand the sight of you anymore!

Hurt Part 1

again, i taste the pain of rejection
the truth came without notification
a girl's dream- what's left? destruction
i'll never win a bit of your affections

i shouldna placed so much expectations
should have realized through your hesitations
yet your charm is like a deadly venom
poisons me with irreversible contamination

my feelings trampled, torn in frustration
my pride shattered into a thousand humiliation
my tears tickled by your cruel intention
i suffocate in this river of emotions

there's no way for a resurrection
neither a u-turn for my salvation
falling for you was a sinful temptation
caused me to bruise and bleed in damnation

A New Chapter of Disaster

It's been so long since the last disaster
That caused my heart to break and wither
Now that I've opened up my heart for another
Sadly this person doesn't seem to bother

You came into my life like beautiful summer
Your warm concerns melted the winter
Your witty jokes brought me so much laughter
I think I'm ready for a whole new chapter

I've longed for us to be together
At least a date or a simple dinner
But your replies are always 'no' or 'never'
Excuses come trashing one after another

You're an enigma that makes me wonder
So many questions urging me to ponder
Yet the more I seek you for an answer
I sense you slowly pushing me further

Your smiles can cause my pride to shatter
Yet at times you're like the bad weather
Either way you've crushed you've plundered
You make me feel as if I don't matter

I've made a vow never to utter
The three words to keep you with me forever
I've too much pride to be seen a loser
But I cannot contain this feeling any longer

I'm drowned in your shadows deeper and deeper
I hope you'll realize sooner or later
Either way it doesn't matter
As long as you give me a sure answer

Finally~~~

after a year long wait finally i got myself a brand new phone.

introducing my latest baby~

Samsung Corby II

nothing fancy actually. but what appealed me the most about this phone is its wifi capability and funky appearance. it's pink by the way. wanted a yellow one actually but only pink was available. don't you think the yellow corby and Bumblebee have so much in common? *wink*

other features of this phone are nothing to brag about but it does somehow suit my modest use of a phone.

hopefully this baby will last for a couple of years before my heart itches for another phone.

at the mean time, i'm gonna really enjoy using this cute lil fella <3 <3 <3

My Extended Family Members Act More Like Mother F*ckers Than Family

the definition of family may be seemingly objective to many but very much subjective to me in person.

the whole concept of family, to me, lies between the ends of sheer sincerity and hypocricity.

it so happen that mine are a bunch of shameless hypocrites.

i'm not afraid to admit that i only see my mum and eldest uncle as FAMILY.

for the other characters that so happen to land in my "family tree", well, they are but invisible apparations, playing no significant role in my life yet their existence is annoyingly irritating me.

i know i sounded selfish by claiming such statement.

call me whatever you want. i don't give a shit.

because what i'm doing is merely a teeny fraction of the damage these fuckers had inflicted upon me; intentionally or unintentionally.

i don't know whether to laugh it off or just be completely distrurbed by the fact that these so-called "family members" are not behaving like the ones you usually see in role model families.

it's not that i am placing too much expectations on them. in fact, i don't give a fuck on how they wanna live their lives.

all i'm asking for is that these nosy bunch of gossip-thristy bastards and bitches will keep their hands OFF my life.

stop shitting around trying to gain control over my life when you acted no less than a perfect stranger when we were in need for help.

you don't call each other "family" when you only come visiting once a year during Chinese New Year. your blant "how do you do-s" just pisses me off.

oh, and enough of your forsaken attempts to compare my performance in education with your children. just who the fuck you think you are to criticize the career path i chose for myself?

and you! yes, you! Son of a so-called Datuk. the amount of disrespect you've shown towards mum and i by refusing to enter our house till last Chinese New Year after knowing that i'm a first class student is unforgivable. don't you dare set foot in my house again you filty son of bitch!

so what if i never care to pick up your call? why, in the first place, should i answer a stranger's call? so you're trying to re-establish the "elder" status huh? well, you can go fuck the wall if you think i'll listen to your damned instructions! i was kind enough not to slam the receiver at you so don't you dare feel high and mighty! you know, i might as well delete your number from my contact list and that's what i'll do right now!

and specially to the old hag next door, you just wait and see. that sour pout face to show to mum each day, you think it's a sign of "authoritativeness" huh? everything's gonna come back to you soon. you'll get what you've sowed.

the other maggots who claimed to be part of my family...you are nothing, NOTHING to me. you are worst than strangers so please i beg you, PLEASE don't take the trouble to visit us annually. if it's such a pain in the ass for you to travel all the way from your "majestic palaces" to my "flithy peasant cottage", then do stay away from us! go mud-rolling in your swine swarmp, eat grapes served on silver platters, listen to high class baraoque music. do whatever pigs do and just stay away from our lives! it's not easy dealing with so many trampling pigs all over our house especially during Chinese New Year. Retreat to your swine house.

as for you... you made me. without you, i might not exist at all. but then again, your existence doesn't seem significant to me at all. we've gotten used to the feeling of carrying on with life without you even during the time when you were still alive. now that you are gone for good, it doesn't seem to change the pattern of our lives. you're existence will be remembered but definitely not missed.

you might find my remarks cruel and crude but that's how ugly circumstances shaped me to be the harsh and cold person i am in this post.