Eulogy: My Baby

you left my world not long ago
i grief
i cried
i lost control

baby i still see you in my dreams
the happy times and also sad scenes

i missed you so badly
i want you to know
i would do anything
just to bring you home

RIP Ah Bing

Failed Relationships Aren't Meant To Be Rehearsed

i though i saw a light in you
hopes and wishes will all come true
thought you'll bring me stars and the moon
never knew you'll treat me a fool

i gave my heart i gave my soul
i took every opportunity just to show
that my love for you will never grow old
i'll love you till the day we turn cold

then you shy away from me one day
and left me dumb-founded in dismay
you wouldn't listen to the words i say
you wouldn't care to even look my way

why do you need to be so mean?
denying us from new extremes
now you make everything seems
as if it's only just a fucking dream

you keep me hanging by a frail thread
never bother about tears i've shed
and now i think i'm a little mad
thanks to all the hateful words you've said

i tried to forget you i tried so hard
i even thought of wrecking my heart
suddenly you return and ask for a new start
if i say 'yes' i'm sure i'm a retard

you need to know i've already moved on
although at times i might cry and mourn
the ugly ending makes me forlorn
i drown in my tears all night long

"goodbye my love" are my only words
in grief, in pain i shall immerse
for nothing will flower between the two of us
so let's not talk about another rehearse

Sigh~

What?

It's only the second day and I am already dead tired.

I heard someone said the clock ticks slower when you have nothing to do.

Totally agree!!!

I rather be pronounced dead squash by heaps of assignments than to die of boredom.

I have nothing to do and yet I can't leave this place as I wish. And the worst part is I've got nothing to do.

Merely sitting here wandering here and there. Waiting to be scolded by some people who can't seemed to get over with the amount of free time I have (for now).

Damn!

And I'm not being sulky for no reasons, you know?!

Feeling so lost as if you are walking alone with absolutely no maps or GPS in the Amazon.

I feel like a microscopic krill carried away by the coming waves of the vast ocean.

Don't know where to go.

Don't know where the next wave will take me.

And there is danger lurking everywhere.

Be it life-threatening or otherwise, this lonely journey in this lonely planet is certainly nothing to be much excited about.

Though there are people for you can ask for assistance, it only happen once in awhile.

And this loneliness is eating away all the joy and excitement prior to my admission to this institution.

I'm now all alone.

I missed the days when we terrorized the faculty with a 60 people strong army of TESLians.

We were so loud back then.

Now, I drown in the vast ocean. Having no one to really hold onto.

Yesterday someone told me she cried on the phone while speaking to her family far away from where she is now.

Home-sickness...

Why is it so easy for her to cry?

How come I find it so difficult to wash away this solemness with streams of tears?

Uneasiness grows in me,

slowly...

I smell trouble and the stench is growing stronger and stronger...

Can someone help?

Am I to allow myself to be stripped naked, strapped and exploited in the near future?

I don't know...

But a sure feeling follows.

I guess I better brace myself for whatever that lies ahead of me.

If not, I might as well be a piece of dead meat before someone kills me first!

I missed my friends who never ceased to have my back whenever I need them.

And in times like this I yearn for their support even more.

But they are all so far away from me now...

Sigh~

It's a heavy price to pay for the things that I want to achieve...

Money- The Root of All EVIL~~~

Can't believe I will broke in a few months time.

Starting to regret for having not save all my paycheck for this semester.

How humiliating it is to still spending my mum's money for my education...

Look at my friends who are earning for themselves AND their family.

They can do whatever they want with their money and not having to take the word- BUDGET so seriously like I am now.

At times like this I really wish I was born with a silver spoon stuck in my mouth- no need to worry about expenses on food, lodging, petrol, insurance, tuition fees... (and the list goes on and on and on and on...)

Damn, I can't even indulge myself in the pleasure of shopping as much as I used to ;(

It sucks to be broke.

Actually I don't mind living sans shopping sprees. REALLY.

I just don't want to live overly dependent on my mum who works so hard to provide the best for me...

It's high time things change and yet I can only anticipate to see the light in April.

I'm gonna be pretty broke this semester so God please help me to refrain myself from over indulgence. In fact indulgence should also be left untouched until the day I get a solid RM1,500 in my pocket monthly.

Till then, I'm declared broke ;(

Huh? Erm...What?!

WOW!

Finally this day has come!

It's so surreal! Can't believe I'm actually HERE right now.

I'm so starstruck I really have no idea what I am suppose to do...

A mixture of excitement, disbelieve, denial...

Am I really able to do this?

I'm kinda scared actually. So much of uncertainties troubled this already troubled mind...

God help me to be serious this time.

Wrong for being Right

This morning, someone in my office teased me with this statement-

"Funny thing we still see you around in the office so often though you are about to leave here for good."

And I was like "What the fuck?"

What are you actually trying to mean with a statement like THAT?

Am I NOT suppose to be seen in the office despite this is my last week here?

So, you are suggesting that I should return to my cozy bed after thumb-ing in at 8am?

Holy crap!

I do admit that such 'act' is not unfamiliar but how come it's uttered by some senior staff?

What the heck is wrong? Sometimes I wonder...

Aren't you suppose to be proud that your subordinates come to work on time and stick their asses on the office chairs 8-5?

Shouldn't you be nagging at those MIAs?

Why the hell are you encouraging the wrongdoings and despise those who are sticking to the bright side?

I think the world SERIOUSLY needs a redefinition of what's black and white.

Crumbling

I think it's high time to change the name for my blog to-

ASYLUM FOR THE INSANE

Ok, fine! What I did was just add IN to SANE, but this will do its job- To update souls, especially MYSELF on MY current mental state.

Some sort of a sure feeling keeps striking me. A haunting, taunting echo of sound waves whisper eeriely in my ears...

I KNOW my mental state is slowly deteriorating...

The very sane part of my brains are slowing giving in to the lure of dark insanity...

Do I allow this to take place?

In a way, it's kinda difficult to answer this riddle.

Part of me has already fallen into the trap of madness; in fact, found assurance from the maddenning calls of insanse thoughts. Yet, there is also one tiny voice peeking from a slight shining pin-sized hole calling out to me...

I think THAT would be my sanity.

DO I answer to sanity's call?

I wish I could...

Who wants to feel the piercing pain of reality shit when you can be drunk in the cradle of insanity which is the only sanctuary that accepts you for who you are?

I am forcing myself to drown in this dark allure only because I am so lost in the light...

I can still see that beem of light, in a distance not too far,

but...

I wish I can wipe it out.

(FYI, I'm neither on drugs nor alcohol when writing this. Just plain dark sweetness of madness)