My job as a lecturer for my kids is about to end in 2 weeks, or perhaps 3 weeks time...
I should sigh in relieve~
Am I not?
Not exactly true...
Actually I'm kinda worried on behalf of my kids. (Sorry, I still refer my students as kids though our age gaps are just mere 2 / 3 years apart from each other XD)
I can't help but fear that my kids will flung in their finals.
Not that I didn't do a good job teaching and guiding them. My conscious are in fact very clear.
The core of all the fear that I am experiencing now originates from this particularly silly decision of mine to teach newly offered courses sans course notes, sans textbooks, sans guidelines.
Think of me a fool, a simple-minded, single-cell creature. (Yes, I do felt that every single second ever since I agreed upon such deceiving offer.)
Despite the lousy feeling as if I'm a tiny yacht sailing, no, even worse, drifting with absolutely no direction in the vast ocean; I've given my all for the sake of my kids. From notes to tutorial activities, assignments to quiz questions; all of those were drafted from scratch.
Not that I am taking pride on those things. No! In reality, it was a very risky move that I've taken to secure the on-going of every lesson that was bestowed upon me.
Authorities pointed their accusing fingers to me. Placing all the sins of their lack of efficiency on my frail shoulders. I would love to have created a Tamil scene with those people. If I want to. If I was able to...
But come to think again, who am I to complain? Life was never fair, is never fair and will never be fair. It will stay as a fact for a long long time and I've learned this lesson from the very early stages of my life. We'll just have to learn how to give and take, or so they say. But what if I have given so much yet received nothing in return? Damn the birocracy and red tape!
Or perhaps I should have defy gravity and make a change to this 'not so conducive' environment. Yet, again, who will listen?
"If I can make a change to this world that I'm livin' in, I would be some president for some country by now!"
But am I someone that people will take me seriously? I doubt it :(
Or so they say, 'You're just a kid. Do what you're suppose to do- SHUT UP!'
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Tired
I can’t help but hate myself lately. This hatred towards myself has been growing much stronger these past few months. Now, it’s even more intense. Whatever that I’m feeling now is so nerve-breaking. I don’t know who to share with and I doubt anyone can understand.
Sometimes I ask myself, “Am I too late for rebellion?” I see people around me begin to sort things out in their lives and lead a harmonious life with their love ones. And why is it that I only generate hate to mine and also to myself? What is wrong with me?
What is my true purpose living in this world? Why am I born only to make the ones that love me, hate me eventually? I feel as if my life is a hollow. Can anyone hear me? I’m suffocated by the negative-ness that I’ve drawn to my own self.
Just want you to know that it ain’t easy to be me. I put on a poker face for years just to shield the shame and sorrow. Everyone thinks that I am strong and capable of handling emotional and mental challenges. Yet, many fail to see the girl who crying for help and support when she was drowning in her own tears of sorrow. Perhaps it was all the tears that I’ve shed that taught me that no one will wipe away the tears except for God and yourself. For this, I became a loner, and would prefer to stay as such state for as long as possible.
“The Laser-Mouth Third Speaker”. That was the title I earned years ago and I am starting to hate it now. It is because of my big mouth I’ve hurt countless people around me. From friends to family, I know the blessing that I received from God has turned into disaster after I’ve misused it. I land myself in deep shit so many times, and I’m tired of it. Can I not do it anymore? I’m really tired, see?
Have been quite emotional these few days. Just wished that my dark-side twin will do no more damage to the already messed-up situation. I guess I’ll just have to wear my poker face yet another day to survive whatever that comes my way.
But somehow…
I’m really really REALLY tired of this shit!
Sometimes I ask myself, “Am I too late for rebellion?” I see people around me begin to sort things out in their lives and lead a harmonious life with their love ones. And why is it that I only generate hate to mine and also to myself? What is wrong with me?
What is my true purpose living in this world? Why am I born only to make the ones that love me, hate me eventually? I feel as if my life is a hollow. Can anyone hear me? I’m suffocated by the negative-ness that I’ve drawn to my own self.
Just want you to know that it ain’t easy to be me. I put on a poker face for years just to shield the shame and sorrow. Everyone thinks that I am strong and capable of handling emotional and mental challenges. Yet, many fail to see the girl who crying for help and support when she was drowning in her own tears of sorrow. Perhaps it was all the tears that I’ve shed that taught me that no one will wipe away the tears except for God and yourself. For this, I became a loner, and would prefer to stay as such state for as long as possible.
“The Laser-Mouth Third Speaker”. That was the title I earned years ago and I am starting to hate it now. It is because of my big mouth I’ve hurt countless people around me. From friends to family, I know the blessing that I received from God has turned into disaster after I’ve misused it. I land myself in deep shit so many times, and I’m tired of it. Can I not do it anymore? I’m really tired, see?
Have been quite emotional these few days. Just wished that my dark-side twin will do no more damage to the already messed-up situation. I guess I’ll just have to wear my poker face yet another day to survive whatever that comes my way.
But somehow…
I’m really really REALLY tired of this shit!
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
7 Reasons Why No One Reads My Blog
Suddenly this issue strucks me-
Why the hell am I posting blogs when no one bothers to read?
Kinda funny huh?
Well, I guess I've only got myself to blame.
Let me list my social networking flaws-
1. Scare number of friends to begin with ;(
2. Attitute that irks most human beings
3. No intentions to maintain a friendship unless significant (which explains why I only call a handful of friends- F.R.I.E.N.D)
4. Gets tired in a friendship easily unless that person is a package full of fun
5. Prefers to be alone (at all times) Too much of human contact will lead to the next flaw...
6. Easily ticked off
7. Low tolerance on people who call themselves 'my friend' just to poke their noses into my business (like I've said, I prefer to be left alone...at all times, if possible)
They say the number '7' is the perfect number. Deductively, the above are my 7 perfect flaws that I would never consider improving for anyone under any circumstances.
Because at the end of the day, this blog is a place I've created by myself; for myself ONLY!
Why the hell am I posting blogs when no one bothers to read?
Kinda funny huh?
Well, I guess I've only got myself to blame.
Let me list my social networking flaws-
1. Scare number of friends to begin with ;(
2. Attitute that irks most human beings
3. No intentions to maintain a friendship unless significant (which explains why I only call a handful of friends- F.R.I.E.N.D)
4. Gets tired in a friendship easily unless that person is a package full of fun
5. Prefers to be alone (at all times) Too much of human contact will lead to the next flaw...
6. Easily ticked off
7. Low tolerance on people who call themselves 'my friend' just to poke their noses into my business (like I've said, I prefer to be left alone...at all times, if possible)
They say the number '7' is the perfect number. Deductively, the above are my 7 perfect flaws that I would never consider improving for anyone under any circumstances.
Because at the end of the day, this blog is a place I've created by myself; for myself ONLY!
Use, Recycle And Reused- That's Their Definition Of Friendship
Ever felt like you're being used by your own friends?
The feeling is just plain lousy. In fact, frustrating at times.
They plan events behind your back, never involved you in any of their discussions and when they approached you, it's just because they need you as their chauffer.
What am I to you guys? I often wonder beyond yonder...
Am I that insignificant that you feel that there's no need to consider me in your damned lives?
Or is it that I'm always too available to say 'YES' to every wish you asked of me.
Well, guess what? FUCK that!
Just because I didn't show doesn't mean that I don't have any feelings.
If you think you can continue to manipulate the so-called friendship I bestowed upon us, then FUCK that again!
Because from THIS day onwards,
I'll learn to be the selfish person you taught me to be!
Go FUCK yourselves!
The feeling is just plain lousy. In fact, frustrating at times.
They plan events behind your back, never involved you in any of their discussions and when they approached you, it's just because they need you as their chauffer.
What am I to you guys? I often wonder beyond yonder...
Am I that insignificant that you feel that there's no need to consider me in your damned lives?
Or is it that I'm always too available to say 'YES' to every wish you asked of me.
Well, guess what? FUCK that!
Just because I didn't show doesn't mean that I don't have any feelings.
If you think you can continue to manipulate the so-called friendship I bestowed upon us, then FUCK that again!
Because from THIS day onwards,
I'll learn to be the selfish person you taught me to be!
Go FUCK yourselves!
Monday, November 8, 2010
Obsessions
What it is like to feel the intense obsession towards something or someone? ^^
Recollecting the memories, my first ever obsession should be this movie-
Yea, Titanic :) Never got the chance to watch it in the cinemas though ~sigh~, but there is a huge collection of merchandises stashed in the deepest corner of my cupboard. From stationary to the OST, you just name it! Even got my hands on some really cool Titanic poscards ^^ Imagine I was only at Primary 5 that time!!!
Then, Soo Yin came into my life and I got my very first taste of Japanese manga and animations :) I definately have to pay tribute to this particular manga-
Thanks to Slam Dunk I came to love basketball. But thanks to basketball, I sprained my left ankle and was told that I can never play the game again :(
When I was in Form 4, that was the age of RPG game!!! Was left to stare in awe when this particular game came to shore-
It was because of this game I persuaded my mum to buy me my first desktop :D breath-taking graphics, superb gaming experience, the trigger to the full usage of my creative right brain^^ Today, I'm still an avid fan of FF franchise.
Another good friend came by- Wendy. Don;t get me wrong! I'm not obsessed with Wendy, just obsessed with our friendship *wink* Wendy=The Sims- the most mind-blowing and creativity-straining game ever created and introduced into MY universe^^
I can spend 25 hours playing The Sims if ever God created 25 hours a day! I swear I will never get tired of this bloody game ^^ Now, that's what i call OBSESSION!
During my uni years, no guys saw me as a girl when I told them I watch this-
Skipped meals to buy the original DVDs! Induced insomnia on myself after watching too much of the anime :P Guessed it's from the radioactivity from my lappie...
Persuaded so many people to 'worship' this anime :P Am I guilty? I guess not, 'cause sharing is loving (according to my student^^) hehe...
Somehow in the mist of chasing after this never-ending anime got me bored, DAMN bored. So guys, no more Bleach for me...
Bleach was not the anime that stole tears. This did!
Obsessed with the surreal way Ai Yazawa narrate the story. Loved the sound track too! If ever I find myself a rockstar lover, it would have been someone like Ren Honjo. Sweet, sexy, yummy all in one package ^U^ PLUS, he plays both the electirc guitar and bass too ^^ dream lover :P
The obsessions of later chapters of my recent life (hehehe...) was all about Rock & Roll and Vampirism!
Larc~en~ciel @ Laraku- the best combination of both elements above^^ Hyde-san had me drooling all over him even though he is almost 40! Hottest Asian man alive! Love the way he and Ken (Vamprose) combine Rock and Vampirism into one! Just plain hot SH*T!!!
However, this is one 'sissified' vampire that gave the vampire kingdom a bad name-
Enough talking about the past. Lets talk about now! What's my current obession? Well, it's this-
Yup, people. It's Adam Lambert and his band ^V^
Actually, I'm more obsessed with this pretty boy- Tommy Joe Ratliff ~sweet~
psk..don't you think he kinda look like Nobu from Nana?!
And it's a definate thumbs up for the 'queer' relationship Adam and Tommy share
~awww~ Aren't they sweet?
Recollecting the memories, my first ever obsession should be this movie-
Yea, Titanic :) Never got the chance to watch it in the cinemas though ~sigh~, but there is a huge collection of merchandises stashed in the deepest corner of my cupboard. From stationary to the OST, you just name it! Even got my hands on some really cool Titanic poscards ^^ Imagine I was only at Primary 5 that time!!!
Then, Soo Yin came into my life and I got my very first taste of Japanese manga and animations :) I definately have to pay tribute to this particular manga-
Thanks to Slam Dunk I came to love basketball. But thanks to basketball, I sprained my left ankle and was told that I can never play the game again :(
When I was in Form 4, that was the age of RPG game!!! Was left to stare in awe when this particular game came to shore-
It was because of this game I persuaded my mum to buy me my first desktop :D breath-taking graphics, superb gaming experience, the trigger to the full usage of my creative right brain^^ Today, I'm still an avid fan of FF franchise.
Another good friend came by- Wendy. Don;t get me wrong! I'm not obsessed with Wendy, just obsessed with our friendship *wink* Wendy=The Sims- the most mind-blowing and creativity-straining game ever created and introduced into MY universe^^
I can spend 25 hours playing The Sims if ever God created 25 hours a day! I swear I will never get tired of this bloody game ^^ Now, that's what i call OBSESSION!
During my uni years, no guys saw me as a girl when I told them I watch this-
Skipped meals to buy the original DVDs! Induced insomnia on myself after watching too much of the anime :P Guessed it's from the radioactivity from my lappie...
Persuaded so many people to 'worship' this anime :P Am I guilty? I guess not, 'cause sharing is loving (according to my student^^) hehe...
Somehow in the mist of chasing after this never-ending anime got me bored, DAMN bored. So guys, no more Bleach for me...
Bleach was not the anime that stole tears. This did!
Obsessed with the surreal way Ai Yazawa narrate the story. Loved the sound track too! If ever I find myself a rockstar lover, it would have been someone like Ren Honjo. Sweet, sexy, yummy all in one package ^U^ PLUS, he plays both the electirc guitar and bass too ^^ dream lover :P
The obsessions of later chapters of my recent life (hehehe...) was all about Rock & Roll and Vampirism!
Larc~en~ciel @ Laraku- the best combination of both elements above^^ Hyde-san had me drooling all over him even though he is almost 40! Hottest Asian man alive! Love the way he and Ken (Vamprose) combine Rock and Vampirism into one! Just plain hot SH*T!!!
However, this is one 'sissified' vampire that gave the vampire kingdom a bad name-
Enough talking about the past. Lets talk about now! What's my current obession? Well, it's this-
Yup, people. It's Adam Lambert and his band ^V^
Actually, I'm more obsessed with this pretty boy- Tommy Joe Ratliff ~sweet~
psk..don't you think he kinda look like Nobu from Nana?!
And it's a definate thumbs up for the 'queer' relationship Adam and Tommy share
~awww~ Aren't they sweet?
If Only Fairytales Come True
If the evening star's power is so true, I would be gazing upon the galaxy now...
I shall entwine my fingers with a sure pressure and wish...
Wish upon the brightest evening star like princesses in Disney fairytales do...
Wish for this one thing that stirs the deepest desires from the depths of my heart...
The agonizing thirst and unendurable hunger for it grows stronger and more intense each day...
My dream~~~
SAMSUNG GALAXY 5 (now you know why I'm gazing the galaxy, huh? \^V^/)
I shall entwine my fingers with a sure pressure and wish...
Wish upon the brightest evening star like princesses in Disney fairytales do...
Wish for this one thing that stirs the deepest desires from the depths of my heart...
The agonizing thirst and unendurable hunger for it grows stronger and more intense each day...
My dream~~~
SAMSUNG GALAXY 5 (now you know why I'm gazing the galaxy, huh? \^V^/)
Thursday, November 4, 2010
I'm Sorry. Blame Me & I Promise Not To Fight Back
God, please help me. I’ve made a grave mistake yet again. And I’m really afraid now. God, you know how I feel and you know how guilty I am. Like what mum said, I am carrying tales about the happenings in my office. God, I need you! Lord I pray to you Lord. Please help me to rectify this mistake. Father in heaven, I know I am weak and I make stupid mistakes that will only bring damage to myself at the end of the day. Lord, I am trembling with fear now. Please help me Lord. I cry out to you Jesus please save me! Lord, please don’t abandon me Lord. I really need your mercy and grace now. I ‘m sorry for spilling out the remarks my head of department made about Su-Ynn. Lord, I know I have sinned against you for telling lies. Lord, please forgive me. Even if mum does not accept my apologies, I really need you Lord Jesus to forgive me. Lord, help me to repent. I’ve sinned. A lot of times in these few months and I drew myself apart from you Lord. Please forgive me Lord. Help me this time. I am deeply sorry for the damage that I have inflicted upon Su-Ynn and my head of department. I have caused them to hate each other and I know Lord, you will punish me someday in my afterlife for this sin that I have committed. Lord, I ask of your forgiveness. And Father, please help Su-Ynn too. With your grace and salvation Lord, help her to forgive my head of department and Lord, please ease her anger. I know I will be accused as the culprit for their already messed up relationship as colleagues, Lord please melt away the anger and hatred that was there before and after my tale-telling. Lord, please forgive me and please help me to overcome this issue. I believe in you Lord Jesus, upon your mighty power and I want to have faith in you again Lord. I want to trust you again! I want to be close to you again Lord, so that you will keep me away from sin and guide me walk on the right path you have already prepared for me. Lord, I did not mean to disrupt the harmony in my work place. But I know, like what mum will say in the next minute, the stupid remarks I’ve made during the so-called ‘heroic attempt’ will land me in trouble. Lord, see, mum has already start pointing out to me all the wrong things that I have done just now. Lord, I do not, and will not argue or feel angry towards her reaction. Because I know I am in the wrong at the very first place. Jesus, please help me control my big mouth. Please shut it off if you think it’s the better way to solve future matters that might arise from this weakness of mine. Lord, I will willingly go through all the tests you’ve paved for me. Lord, please help me to control my anger. NOW! Because I am on the verge of exploding or say something stupid again that will hurt mum for her endless nagging. Lord, please help me! I really need you now Lord. Please help me. Yes, whatever I did was bad, real bad and I can’t feel anything but ashamed, no, angry with myself now. Please Lord, help me….I know I have sinned against you. Please Lord, help me to control my anger. Please please please! Lord, I am wrong. I know. Please help me! Lord, I really have no idea what lies ahead tomorrow. But I want to believe that Lord Jesus, you will be with me come what may. Lord, I trust in you Lord. I want to repent and Lord, please give me another chance to do so Jesus. If matters get worse in the following days of my working life in that institution, Lord, please be with and help me brace myself with your strength and wisdom for whatever storm that stirs the peace in my office. Lord Jesus, I know I have sinned. Please forgive me and help me to make myself a better person, not for me, not for mum, not for anyone else, only for you Lord. Father, I pray to you and I know you listen to prayers, and you answer them. I trust you because you have chosen me to be part of your salvation from the very beginning. And Lord I humble myself and pray to you Lord for forgiveness and also guidance in my life. For every step I take, every word I say, every single way I behave, Lord, guide me first. Holy Spirit, I invite you to speak to me again just like how you used to speak so intimately to me before I sinned again. Father, you know all my problems even before I uttered a single word. Almighty God, I have faith in you, believe in you and trust in you to deliver me from this mess that I have caused. Lord I pray with all my heart and soul and in Jesus most powerful name. Amen!
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